78 days

[iaaboura]

 The thought of them now sends me into a panic. My legs get shaky and my heart starts racing when have to a go to out shared class. Getting a notification is hell. And I don't understand. It's my fault any of this happened. I'm the one who hurt them. Why else would they be so sad now? They keep apologizing to me and it hurts so bad because I'm making them feel like THEY are bad. They're just a product of what's happened to them, though. I'm just making shit worse. It kills me to read his texts about how awful he's feeling, knowing that I'm a huge cause of it. 

I had two big thoughts today 
Do I only want them to want to live so I can kill myself? 
And 
You can die, just don't leave me. Let me die with you. 
I write my thoughts in a day in my notes app. It  me remember. Just in case I forget how bad it was. Things like this scare me. I'm having daily epiphanies that I can't handle. And I can't blame anyone or anything but myself. My tendencies are so inhuman.

As an atheist, I prayed to god last night to spare their life.



It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault it's all my fault.