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They're fine. It ended up being okay but it's really not okay and I don't know why I did what I did. I broke down. I was walking home on thursday and ___ was right IN FRONT of me. Not facing me, just walking ahead. I knew that they knew I knew, but I didn't say anything at all. I fucking hate myself for never being able to say anything to them. Obviously it hurt them.
"I changed so much so I could be your friend
This is a list I made last week of things that remind me of them
Glasses
"I changed so much so I could be your friend
I changed for you
Let it be known that I reached out for help and you didn't care enough to do anything
I'm going to forget about you the way you forgot about me"
Is what they said before blocking me, and they tried to call me, but I had ran to the nearest ice cream place and was sitting at a bunch. I wouldn't and COULDN'T answer so I declined. Maybe that was a huge mistake. Anyway, obviously, I thought that they were going to kill themselves. I didn't know what to do. In between the chaos, I had texted my mom to pick me up because I was so afraid of running into them. As soon as I got in the car I shut down and bawled, which was very humiliating. I couldn't say anything even when we got home even as my mom yelled at me to say something. I was silent for hours until around 9pm when I went into the "bathroom" (It's just a toilet) connected to the kitchen. I hid in the dark and of course my mom noticed me missing from the couch. She called for my name around the house and when she called for me in the kitchen, I wanted to speak, but I couldn't get it out. Eventually she whipped the door of the bathroom I was in open, worried to death that I had left the house. I was sitting with my knees to my chest on the floor in the dark. After that she sat me down and told me to speak. I couldn't, even after she threatened to take me to a hospital. We eventually agreed to go on a walk and talk. I don't know why. I told her everything. Everything apart from the suicide pact (because even I know it's fucking insane) and the eating thing. If I told her the eating thing she'd force me to recover and I need the control right now more than ever. She told me that she was going to contact the SCHOOL AND THEIR PARENTS. I went feral basically. I felt like an animal the entire time actually. She said that she'd only do this once the school year ended in like two weeks. Okay. That's fine right? Except it's not. This will stop me from being able to talk to ___. They will know that I snitched. It's such a huge betrayal and I'm so upset with myself... It's my fault and I don't know how I'm going to save them on July 31st now. Or ever. What am I going to do when Sophomore year comes around? How do I avoid them for 180 days, even if we don't have any of the same classes or periods? If I'm not dead by them, then this is going to be so bad. Me and ___ kind of made up I guess, it's nothing new. I just don't know I'm going to tell them that I messed up this bad. A letter on the last day of school? I don't know..
Is what they said before blocking me, and they tried to call me, but I had ran to the nearest ice cream place and was sitting at a bunch. I wouldn't and COULDN'T answer so I declined. Maybe that was a huge mistake. Anyway, obviously, I thought that they were going to kill themselves. I didn't know what to do. In between the chaos, I had texted my mom to pick me up because I was so afraid of running into them. As soon as I got in the car I shut down and bawled, which was very humiliating. I couldn't say anything even when we got home even as my mom yelled at me to say something. I was silent for hours until around 9pm when I went into the "bathroom" (It's just a toilet) connected to the kitchen. I hid in the dark and of course my mom noticed me missing from the couch. She called for my name around the house and when she called for me in the kitchen, I wanted to speak, but I couldn't get it out. Eventually she whipped the door of the bathroom I was in open, worried to death that I had left the house. I was sitting with my knees to my chest on the floor in the dark. After that she sat me down and told me to speak. I couldn't, even after she threatened to take me to a hospital. We eventually agreed to go on a walk and talk. I don't know why. I told her everything. Everything apart from the suicide pact (because even I know it's fucking insane) and the eating thing. If I told her the eating thing she'd force me to recover and I need the control right now more than ever. She told me that she was going to contact the SCHOOL AND THEIR PARENTS. I went feral basically. I felt like an animal the entire time actually. She said that she'd only do this once the school year ended in like two weeks. Okay. That's fine right? Except it's not. This will stop me from being able to talk to ___. They will know that I snitched. It's such a huge betrayal and I'm so upset with myself... It's my fault and I don't know how I'm going to save them on July 31st now. Or ever. What am I going to do when Sophomore year comes around? How do I avoid them for 180 days, even if we don't have any of the same classes or periods? If I'm not dead by them, then this is going to be so bad. Me and ___ kind of made up I guess, it's nothing new. I just don't know I'm going to tell them that I messed up this bad. A letter on the last day of school? I don't know..
This is a list I made last week of things that remind me of them
Glasses
Brown eyes
Blue flannels
Flannels
Carhartt
Blue and black converse
Tall
Music
Self harm
Suicide
Paste
Heads being shaved
Drugs
Weed
Snapchat
Goldfish
The word fuck
Curse words
Deep voices
Cream colored Labradors
8th grade
Science
Scrabble
Rivers
8th grade
Science
Scrabble
Rivers
