We haven't been updating lately, and we apologize.

Part of it is the daily schedule. Typically, we don't get to bed until at least 2am when Oliver is off work, as we stay up late and talk and watch TV or just let people front and love, love love. Sometimes we don't get to sleep until 6. And when Oliver does work, like tonight, we stay up alone until he comes home at 7 and then we just sleep through the morning until like 3pm. So if we don't type at night, like now, we don't get to-- we're too busy, too wrapped up in life and love, to sit at a computer for hours.
Our laptop doesn't have internet access, so we've been using theirs. It's a huge gesture of trust, one we deeply appreciate and are clearly aware of every single time we use it. We can and do type on ours, but updating only happens here-- or through our phone, for dream journal entries and emergency mobile updates and little thoughts.
Lately, though, we've been so caught up in daily life that we've been "forgetting" to take notes ON the day, and forgetting. We watched the entirety of Sense8, we started playing Baten Kaitos, we talked to Hiccup and Kris and OWEN and Kyo, we wandered through the school at band practice, we drove to the bank and we drove to the Sunrise diner and we drove to sacred beloved secret Taproot. We read more of our library books and we browsed through Tumblr and we finished backing up our Spotify library. We made a Twitter and a Facebook, we spoke to our grandfather and we heard from our therapist and we emailed our little brother. We planned a tentative financial budget and we walked through trauma memories. We communicated and we made mistakes and we were brave and daring and foolish and hopeful and scared and worried and full of love. We hurt and we healed. We messed up and tried again. We lived. We are living.
Right now, we don't have the spoons to type any recap entries on specific days. That sort of memory scouring is rather exhausting. Abstract entries like this, thoughtdumps, are relaxing and cathartic and honest and need to happen just as much as data logs do.

We stayed up all last night finishing uploading the 2010 archives and starting 2011. Having to go through that time period, watching Cannon and Jayce steadily deteriorate from depression and trauma and shock and regret and fear and rage and betrayal and despair, winding down to that horrible suicide attempt in October, a few weeks away from 7 years ago now... having to reread the terrors of SLC and the psych ward and the medication fallout and... and Laurie's suicide attempts, too... it hurt. It ached, and it hurt, and it made us want to weep.
Add that to all the trauma healing we do EVERY single day, and of course our poor soul is exhausted.
There was a lot of communication on that topic this "morning," before we and the Arrows got out of bed. I forget how it started, but we were clarifying verbal communication-- our battered brain is paranoid about the use of certain words and phrases that it previously Only heard in abusive or traumatic situations-- and talking through trust and forgiveness and hope. We're being more honest and open and daring than ever, and it feels amazing, even when it's a rocky road and it hurts and we're terrified of hurting people in the process.
But... that's a truth about love, REAL love, that we've known for a long time.
"I love you... you couldn't hurt me if you tried."

We went to the bank and cashed our SSI check and paid Ollie back for groceries and got some vegetables for today. Then we got home and ate and read library books and OWEN showed up fronting, and we talked to him for a little while about how strange it is to have a body and live in it but how wonderful it is too, in a fragile unique way. We love that kid; we're so glad we got to meet him. Then we went on a run for about 40 minutes, and at someone's behest, stopped at Compare Foods to see what they have (nothing we need) and try a few of the pastries because for whatever reason, someone in our System keeps desperately wanting to "try" such foods. I know it's a family-pleasing panic obligation. But I ALSO trust those nousfoni now, to ONLY get what they need, to be wise about it, to not force what makes them sick. And THAT is a HUGE improvement from even last month. Remember when we first started trying to legit heal this eating disorder outside of the family house? Those poor nousfoni would go through HELL every single day. Yes, we're still struggling with food amounts and timing and not getting trauma or guilt or shame reactions that cause purges, but God knows we do better EVERY day. I mean that. I feel it, and I'm profoundly grateful and joyful about it. So we got a few things and got home and Ollie was sleeping but then he kissed us in that way we miss like our own heart and good Lord. It sets our heart on fire. THAT'S what the original 8 days felt like-- just like those kisses. That sleepy ardor. THAT'S what our love is like. Gosh. If they didn't have to go to work, heaven knows what would have happened, haha.
Oh! And we talked to Kris this morning, as we were lying in bed. Gosh we love him too. I remember him saying how weird it was to look at his hands and see that they weren't mint green. Owen mentioned that, too, how strange it was to have light colored skin. (He said the color of our nails made them look like little seashells; that was so deeply sweet.)
We can't remember too much lately, possibly due to this weird creeping fatigue... but we remember feelings, impressions, vibes. The essences of things. I remember briefly discussing synaesthesia with Oliver as we dried dishes, about tasting colors and seeing sounds and things. I remember the borzoi painting and the feeling of System love and awe Oliver was radiating, and how we felt that too for them. I remember being at the bank and the sweet woman there calling us by our birthname but STILL USING THE RIGHT PRONOUNS, oh my Lord, I didn't even know that COULD happen. That was an absolute GAME CHANGER. I wonder if that will have a deep effect ON our deadname holders??? Geez. Wow. PROBABLY. We'll see.
I remember last night, Oliver saying how the heart is so tied to electricity, and me suddenly realizing that electricity has always inexplicably been LAURIE'S element, and wondering what that says about her.
But tonight... it was a little tricky. Someone did try the pastries, and were both upset that they didn't like 99% of them and deeply relieved that they didn't like 99% of them. We KNOW we don't actually like desserts. They're OK at the start, with deconstructive textures and things, but the heaviness and sweetness makes us very ill very fast. So, what do we do? We get data, we avoid buying it anymore in the physical, and we let hungry scared doubtful nousfoni eat those things INSIDE, where they won't hurt our body or our wallet. And it WORKS! Thank God. Told you we're learning. So today was a success. Now we know even more! And we practiced our ability to say "no, I don't like this personally," "no, I don't want to eat all of that," "no, I don't actually want to buy this," etc. ALSO. We learned that our brain is VERY CONFUSED by that use of negatives. "Don't do this" is literally "do this" with a "don't" stapled on. It's a paradox of words. The BEST way to talk to our brain is to say: "I want to eat small amounts," "I would rather refrain from buying this," "this food is dissonant with our vibe," etc. Avoid using paradox negatives and say things straight. It's tricky and takes some thinking, but it does help our brain, weird as it. But we're tired of "hating" our own brain for being weird. It's how we are, it's how we've always been. We've tried to change it and it hasn't worked. So we accept it, embrace it, love it, work with it compassionately and kindly and carefully. Knowing that the Broken Arrows love and embrace and accept both us and our strange little brain just as sincerely is... amazing. We always hoped someone would be willing to do that in the physical. Thank God that hope came true.

This morning, we tried to sleep on the porch for about an hour before Oliver came home. It's cold out though, now-- colder with the fact that our body is hovering around 104 pounds and we still struggle with panic-purging behavior, both things which make this poor body rather frozen feeling-- but we love that little icy nip in the air, frosty kids that we are, and so we lugged a bunch of blankets out and snuggled up into a fuzzy nest with Chaos Zero's anchor plush and a pair of headphones plugged into our phone, and just watched the sun rise all beautiful as we drifted in and out of sleep. It was pure bliss. We couldn't feel our toes afterwards and our body was SO tired from staying up late and reading trauma memories and not eating well that we could barely walk to get back inside, but being able to cuddle up to Ollie in an attempt to both warm up and doze off was just as blissful. Gosh this new life is so nice. All these perfect little moments are what make life worth living. Even if we still have to worry about adult responsibilities still, like rent and food and bills and legal things, that's just fleeting stuff. It's the business of this life, but when you go out into the woods, or go out under the stars, or go under the water, or under the ground, or fall into a dream, or into a dream creature, if you know what I mean... well, those moments are what matter. Those moments touch eternity, flow right into it, show you what really matters and lasts and continues outside time and inside our hearts. That's what it's worth staying alive for. This body, this little life, allows us to tangibly touch those things, and that's so beautiful and special and good. That's what we have here. Thank God for this.

We listened to a lot of Leonard Cohen last night because WOW WHAT A VOICE. Oh my gosh. It's like... it's a heavy shade, but if it's Green or Blue resonant I can't quite tell yet. Feels like those, could be different. But so many of his song lyrics are AMAZINGLY System relevant. The first one we heard, "You Want It Darker," is 100% resonant with our own Darkspacers, almost shockingly so. "You Got Me Singing," "Come Healing," "On The Level"... so many of them are achingly relevant to us. And he writes lyrics like POETRY, oh my Lord. We HAVE to study them, it's so inspiring.
But yes. Music is so so good. We can't wait to get back into exploring and finding new artists, and writing about them.

We're super tired right now, and oddly sad. I think we're just... upset that we had food trouble this evening. We made a salad and ate it, but then we tried too hard to eat bread and mayonnaise with it and we KNOW mayo makes us sick but "UMPC said we HAD to eat it" and we did get sick and now we're upset. But we have to forgive ourself. The nousfoni that keep forcing that are just trying to do what they were told, and therefore "be good" and obedient and non hurtful to others. But... those people are absent from our current life. They cannot see us here, we are untrackable here. They have moved on from us, they are out of our life. Now,the choices we make are OURS and OURS ALONE. So, we have to obey our own heart. Now, we have the right to DECIDE whether or not WE want mayonnaise or a sandwich or a salad or oatmeal or anything at all right now. And guess what? Every choice you make is valid. It's okay and allowed and good to say NO if that is what you truly feel is healthy and safe and good for you/us! And please, ALWAYS remember that we are a WE. That is the key.
And I hear the socials respond, "I know," with all heartfelt honesty and hurting hope. ...God. Wow. Two weeks ago they'd be screaming and sobbing that they weren't part of "us." Now it's self-evident. Man. We really are growing.
Jason is friendlier and not lying about things in shame and not being selfish. Juniper is still our indomitable failsafe. Briar and Hoban are learning that life is bigger and brighter and broader than the panic and stagnancy they're used to. Joshua is letting go of those heavy self-blame feelings. Even the Jessicas are growing, softening, healing. Cayenne and Axis and Chocoloco are reaching out in compassion more, learning from Infi, helping more than ever now, making the whole System feel more deeply loving and alive.
This is amazing. How in the world did we live without this forward movement of the heart? Thank God we took the chance of coming here. It's worth everything that brought us to this point, every effort and pain and risk and mistake and second chance. It's worth it all, to see how the light in us keeps getting brighter for it.

We haven't been talking inside as much as we want to lately. But we are talking in snippets here and there, it never stops.
The other night, two nights ago I think?-- We were mentally letting our brain bring up traumatic memories and we were just walking through them with the nousfoni that held them, BEING there for them NOW when at the time they were alone and terrified and unsafe and scared... redefining the memories, healing the contexts, soothing the past. It's WORKING. Family memories, hospital memories, travel memories, childhood memories... all of it, any of it, whatever comes up, we courageously and lovingly move into together and we HEAL. We TRANSMUTE that lead into gold, that coal into diamonds. That is why we exist. And heaven knows we're succeeding at it, and we need to admit that to ourselves. That's good and allowed, too. It means we're bringing more Light and Love into the world, and that is something to rejoice in, humbly but jubilantly.

Our Discover Weekly playlist this week is full of Asian music. I wonder why? It's all KPop and Japanese classical and the like. It's lovely, and we are thoroughly enjoying this, but we wonder why Spotify chose that for the genre focus this week. We're just fascinated by how those algorithms work.

What else for tonight.
Oh. It's October. It's Libra month for the next 3 weeks. That means our Core HAS to solidify within the next 20 days or so. The previous Jay-- Iridos-- has effectively collapsed, due to being so battered by name abuse and trauma and doubt that he turned empty-white and lost sight of his true self. The new Core MIGHT rename the bloodline, and we KNOW that they're bringing a new color to it: GOLD. They also might bring RED back in, as that's VITAL for existing with the body, for uniting the inner and the outer, and the previous all-WHITE Cores were NOT doing that, and it was damaging everyone. But we're intrigued by this multi-color resonance the new Spectrum function has been hinting at? Because the Cores have ALWAYS resonated with the FULL Alchemical color set: black, white, red, AND gold. And we wonder if that default is going to become the TRUE default in entirety? It's interesting!
Still not sure on the form shifts, how that works... our current forming Core has that seraphic form AND that Anubis form, as well as a tentative humanoid form which is WEIRDLY holding the old Deon hairstyle but tinted pastel cerise??? And he DOES have facial hair, tying him to the body even more. Not sure on names yet, but we keep being pulled back to old Greek mythology references, and that's making us wonder if maybe THAT'S why "Eros" has been unable to truly anchor in after resurrecting, because he took that name from a past CORE and so it's not really his!! Huh. He says he'd like a name of his own, as the true meaning of that name is definitely not his to carry, so we'll see.

Well, it's 2am, our eyes hurt, we have tea on the stove, we have a headache, we're feeling physically grubby and tired and still sad depressed, so maybe the healthiest thing to do would be to not stay up too late and instead go lie down and let people cry and feel and talk and heal. This sort of uncomfortable weepy-angry feeling is a SOLID indicator that someone needs to be paid attention to, as they have something that ALL of us need to work with right now for the sake of System health.

We might upload a few more 2011 entries tonight, but if not, at least we got a daily entry in, and that makes us very happy. We miss this.

We love all of you. Sorry this entry didn't get into deep headspace stuff, but our mind is too fatigued to do so tonight, and that's okay too. For everything there is a season. When we can, we will write a heartspill entry, and you all know that is beautifully inevitable.
Have a beautiful, beautiful night.

 

03:32 am

 

 

of course the body is going to die. that's not the point. while we're in it, it's a temple.

 

the outer life matters ONLY because the inner life matters. this is where the "life has no meaning" debate begins.

 

"life finds its meaning in HOW you live it." 2008, I think.

 

but it's true. feeding this body will never keep it from dying. it will always need to be fed again. that's not the point. life is eternal. life CANNOT have endings, not permanent ones. it only has transformations. transmutations. death into life into death into life, over and over again, heartbeats on a cosmic scale. unending. exulting.

 

but in feeding this body, we practice compassion. we practice strength, courage, patience. integrity. healing. the victory of hope over despair and confusion and doubt and fear. we choose to love. we choose to live AS love, the infinite meaning itself. but we must be open to it. love IS. and so, for us to also be, we must be That.

 

 

life is ephemeral. that is the beauty and preciousness of it. it’s a tiny spark that is eventually snuffed out, but its brief little flickering timespan does not diminish its light at all.

 

remember what was in "a ring of endless light." the universe mourns every death, every closing door, just as it rejoices in every opening one. of course it does! there's meaning in that, too. it's sheer compassion. sheer love. yes, Life KNOWS that it is infinite and unending. but in time, in limited space, in personal fragile lives… death is a door that locks when you shut it. even if you know there's a grand open world behind it. until you, too, pass through that door, you cannot reach that greater world. and so in empathy, the universe mourns. and it LEGITIMATELY does so. it's not mimicking, or pretending, or guessing. no, that sorrow is genuine, because it is genuine for someone, somewhere. if even one soul, one single heart, feels that anguish, then the universe itself rings with it like a funeral bell. and so it is. holographic truth. as above so below, as below so above, as within so without so within.

 

that's what it truly means to be a system living in this world.

 

we bridge that gap with every breath this body takes. this vehicle of flesh and blood and bone, this sacred strange little thing, this awkward precious elegant beautiful terrible thing, this amalgamation of cells, this holy place… it is our home, in this world, on this planet. all of us, although we live and are elsewhere, are ALSO existent totally within this form. we live and are here, too. both at once. isn't that a thing.

 

 

we MUST live this way. remembering that this life is indeed limited, and fading, and ultimately doomed to finity. that's fine. that's beautiful, because that very fragility is what christens it as priceless. it is meaningful because it is such a brief thing, such a totally terribly undefined thing. or so it seems. really, it's the core of our faith-- the only meaning is love. love, love, love, inside and out and everywhere and always, unfading and unflinching and unafraid. true infinity. true eternity. isn't that a thing.

 

no matter what happens, no matter how long we live or how soon we die, no matter what we do, as long as we do it with genuine love, it matters. it matters.

 

and that is the only, and the triumphantly unquestionable, proof that we are real.

wednesday sept 6 11:00pm

woke up at like 4pm.

went to store. huge shopping order.

MET OHMIETTE!!
talking to jay, laurie, and wreckage as they made food.

morning cereal binge ATTEMPT. didn't happen though!


Xenophon intercessor role with socials

COLOR REALMS DON'T HAVE TO ADHERE TO "EXPECTED REALITY"!!!!

⭐looking up in the color realms and seeing "planets" aka OTHER HUE REALMS


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friday sept 08. 01:50 am


I remember briefly waking up as mason left, said goodbye to oliver and kissed us on the head.
fell right back asleep but we were profoundly touched by that.

woke up, both of us feeling out of it. totally burnt out from this past week.
we took a shower, then oliver went to take a shower while we made breakfast.
breaded chicken hearts in egg and panko, then fried them in oil with extra egg. oliver had the genius idea to add chopped green onions to them afterwards. we also added sriracha and curry powder to ours, and had some cilantro on the side. we sat on the porch and ate them together.
we ALSO had another pig heart from last night though. mason didn't eat like 3/4 of his, so we heated it up to be warm and ate that, too. good god. it was still as sacred as last night.
the chicken hearts taste different. not as "organ"-like. there's a particular flavor to heart and liver that I pick up immediately and absolutely adore.

…

tried to go to the department of social services, but the office location the ssi folks gave us was CLOSED. permanently so. there was a sign on the door from february that had to do with radiation??? and the place looked dead inside. so that was an upsetting experience; cost a lot of spoons.
oliver almost panicking at being so far out, and thinking we had to drive even farther to go to the other one. we decided it wasn't worth putting him through that stress, especially not when we still had to do laundry.

the car was devastatingly low on gas
called kristanova out.
"like a séance"

laurie came out and the two were working through google maps
thank god for protectors

laundry.

stopped at why not pizza to buy jalapeno poppers and chicken tenders for dinner. felt AWFULLY guilty about it, like this was a spit in their face, some gluttonous selfish thing. but we NEED to eat more caloric things whether we like it or not. this is the hard truth.

ohmiette came out while we were there, and we just sat at the table together and talked.

went home

kyo and oliver were out playing no man's sky, and we were just browsing through tumblr while they did so. it felt absolutely comfy and heavenly. we were actually very happy, despite being exhausted. could have easily done that for hours.

the problem: there was another binge.
god forgive us.
one of the girls, taurea,
I noticed that SHE doesn't get hungry, though. she takes advantage of that feeling and ABUSES it. this doesn't surprise me, as she is technically an introject of the mother's forcing her personality on us. 


(left unfinished)


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SATURDAY 090917 11:00 pm

breakfast/lunch was the monstrous okra/ mushroom/ tomato/ egg/ cornmeal thing. too much food. didn't think of it though. again, thinking of food as ART and not as something to eat.
then, WHEN eating, thinking of it as a "destructively creative" process?? NOT COMPREHENDING that this is going to TAKE UP SPACE IN OUR BODY.
and then the realization of such is traumatically jarring, and we end up purging. I am so sorry.

walked to food lion, then stopped at dollar store, chinese place, and chicken king.

got too much food, admittedly, but at the time we couldn't tell. we tend to think of food as a CONCEPT, not as something we need to ingest. which is a problem.

ate all of it, got horrifically sick, ended up purging.
felt awful, but darn it we TRIED. we legitimately WANTED to eat it all and keep it all down.
but we felt like such a glutton FOR eating all that food, although it was probably just as much as they would have fed us in pittsburgh.

watched potc 1 & 2 that night.

TIA IS JUST LIKE INFI

also oh my lord. I forgot how much we love Davy Jones.
like… it was instant.
the instant we heard that peg leg on the wood. the instant he spoke.
"do you fear death?"
that's been echoing in our heart for years.

THE MUSIC BOX AND THE ORGAN.
that breath when he heard it while asleep.

the way he talks.
the OBVIOUS wrenching pain.
his LAUGH. the fact that if it wasn't bitter it would PROBABLY sound like CZ laughs when he's Aqua???

pretty people. feeling like jack sparrow. makeup, cinematography, color schemes.
BOOTSTRAP.
THE KRAKEN (DAEMON QUESTION)

(currently cofronting with that old jewel; feels green!! do you have a name besides your jewel title?)


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sunday 091017 11:00 pm

 

went out for seafood!
black bass, gator bites, fried okra, LEGIT CALAMARI.
DUDE WE GOTTA GO BACK AND GET LIKE… TWO ORDERS ONE DAY.
(who is this???? talk about this compulsion)

got eros raspberry white chocolate cake.

listening to "from bluer water" info. ADORED it.
casually eating cereal though. problem? too much sugar. IMMEDIATELY got very sick, kneejerk reaction was "well to keep ourself safe we've GOTTA get rid of it" so someone decided to eat ALL the cereal "to prevent future pain" and purge it all. poor poor confused thing, you could have just left it for the others, "but that WOULDN'T BE SAFE"

tried to eat again later. hush puppies, salad, the rest of the chicken hearts. english muffins, butter, honey. kit kats. thinking " we HAVE to gain weight so we HAVE to eat as much as humanly possible."
DIDN'T WANT TO PURGE but had sickness terror so we forced ourselves to.
good God, we TRIED.

many OLD fronters coming out, talking to laurie on the bed, then to kyo.

"indigo jess," "manic green/gold jess," triple, overload, jemma??? "overeat green/gold jess" (NAMED hoban??)

TOO MANY JAYS????????
manic jay, christmas jay, "whitewash smile" jay, angel-anubis jay???

then jason trying to front but being TOO manic and cayenne calling him out.
TAR TRYING TO BE CAYENNE????? HE CALLED IT OUT, TOO!!!

watched potc3 with the arrows

(write about THAT MOVIE)


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monday 091117 11:00 pm

 

the stormday.

Also the morning we went to food lion to buy food. Lots of cereal to TRY and figure out whether or not we actually liked it.

Stayed in bed SUPER LATE after that.

I remember making cereal in a huge bowl as a stim, talking to oliver.
problematic though, that's self-abuse prep, don't use large bowls dude that's another family-abuse compulsive behavior

Ollie worked.
I THINK there was an attempted binge? BUT it DIDNT HAPPEN.
I remember eating lettuce at 1am.

We stayed up ALL NIGHT uploading 2008 archives.

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tuesday 091217  07:21 am

 

Really, really in love with the System right now.

Spotify is a legit gift from God.
The rule of thumb is that, if you ever want to guaranteed fall in love with someone, put them to music.
...or, alternatively, you can just listen until suddenly you hear them.

 

11:00 pm

Lynne, julie, waldorf? talking to oliver when we woke up.

Stopped at the art store.
CANNON WAS OUT
interference gold dye, it's VERY resonant with me. Also INTERFERENCE RED is the color of my EYES in my angel form???????

Went out for jimmy johns and moon cakes!
No fear at all. It was so good.
iscah almost fronted??
BEST BREAD i'm not even joking

Late night BAD MELTDOWN.
Dont even know why.
Vernon, ohmiette
CRUSADE WTF
laurie.

MET HICCUP <3
also talked to trolley, wow
SO DID INFI!!!


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wednesday 091317 11:00 pm


rough morning.

Infi out talking to oliver.
Jason (?) almost self-abusing in the bathroom. DIDNT though. We were in there for an hour???????
Ollie talked to chaos and genesis.

Dad called.
always good to hear from him.

Made too much food. Obligatory. Didnt want to, need to LISTEN to ourself when we feel that, and NOT force ourself to do otherwise “because we cant do what we want” that's bull.

No man's sky. FLOATING MINES

cooked the hearts. Ate one with infi, total bliss.
We still get sick from meat, but NO REGRETS EVER

Evening walk!

Juniper helped stop the binge attempts again, god bless her

lying on the porch TALKING YTPS


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thursday 091417 02:01 am


the morning. Good lord the morning.
Infi and ollie.

STARDUST
talking on the kitchen floor
offerings and moon cakes

Pizza and pig hearts for breakfast
no trouble, everything perfect

tire place. Owen kid. Biggs camera visit, remembering cannon's era again

band practice. PIANO
cant perform solo. Cant really perform at all! Not our thing.
Admitted our shortcomings and feel a lot better

trouble with dinner. Jack in the box, vegs and rice.
Almost binge. Struggling. Still dont know why? Please have session or something.

Watched howls moving castle
PLEASE READ THE BOOKS
calcifer!! HEARTS.
Everything was so headspacey good lord.

HEADSPACE VS HEARTSPACE BLEEDOVER???? feeling that SUPER strongly.
Remember rio's 2nd incident with the heart crystals!! feeling that a LOT all of a sudden.
We've all gotta go back to having those adventures dude



02:09 pm

"everything is temporary."

#temporary and dearly beloved for it #the ocean #sunsets #gif #this aches because there's so much love in it #none of us will live this incarnate life forever #but the tiny time we do have is utterly sacred nonetheless #eternity is within and without us #both at once #i wouldn't have it any other way


04:19 pm

"You will find that you survive humiliation. And that’s an experience of incalculable value."


#system healing #quote #the alchemical quest of our souls #when humility is based in love and big-picture peace and joy #then humiliation of the abusive sort is impossible #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters

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friday 091517   04:23 pm

 

"I can feel guilty about the past, Apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."

#system healing #kyanos #celebi #now is all there is #and the present moment is infinite #unshackled to any fear or trauma #let it be so #and let yourselves be with it #you are allowed to be free #you are allowed to be happy #you are allowed to feel love and be loved #in fact the universe encourages it #embrace that!

 

11:00 pm


woke up when?
ollie in a good mood. made us so happy to see.

unfortunately made WAY too much breakfast. form of self abuse.
ended up throwing out half, throwing up the rest.
horribly depressed afterwards.

"I hate seeing you treat each other like this"
paradigm shift
social meltdown as a result, instant suicide consideration (heartbreaking that they feel SO distraught that they feel there IS no other option; b/w thinking, all-or-nothing) at the thought that they aren't alone and they hurt someone. they typically blind themselves to the reality of being part of a system, let alone multiple at all, because they feel like they are "toxic, worthless, and corrupt" and CANNOT bear the thought of sharing a body, lest they "taint everyone else"

awful revelation: abuse is SAFE??

lethe kissing oliver, only reachable person NOT afraid of intimate physical contact when we're that severely trauma-dissociated
daemons are untouchable, man.

lethe's also been using his "styx" name more often lately. curious as to why.
medallion guillotine regularly switches between her two names. always curious as to her name choices, too.
dendrite still m.i.a. for the record. i can feel her betrayed anguished heart from here.

laundry day. so much to carry.
threw out those triggering dysphoric pants so no more worries there.

haircuts. bad time for both of us. but hugely important pain-bonding and honesty afterwards. important. loved them so much in that exact moment despite everything trying to oppose it. love is untouchable too.

starbucks. binged again. tried hard not to. but tried TOO hard. on top of stress, nothing registered.
screwed up and panicked.
got DISTURBINGLY sick from the sugar. big trauma-flashback feeling. memory chopped to pieces as a result; the air felt like it was going to detonate

alone at night.
binged HARD. tried not to. living hell.
ate a REAL dinner. but then made more.
praying desperately. couldn't stop.

in so much pain. sad but numb. 2:30am and still not ready or wanting to rest.

so so so tired. god help us.


notes:

Self abuse = safety???
Eating is ONLY safe IF it is abusive??
Touch is ONLY safe IF it is injurious?

Why is this??
How can we work with it?


------------------------------------------------------------------

 

saturday 091617 11:00 pm


CHAOS ON TUMBLR ♥♥♥

no sleep.
walked all around in the morning. got too much food.
BLISS though.
salvador deli, food lion, mcdonalds, family restaurant.

tried to eat it. someone freaked and purged.

slept in until 5:30.

amelies.
bought too much food again, panicked. dissociated.
but so wonderful. we adore spending time with oliver. we hope they weren't disappointed in us.

KRIS SKETCH

almost binge. french toast, cereal. LAURIE asked the kid responsible, "if you love me, stop"
and they DID
"dope" by lady gaga looping in our head

slept on the porch, with chaos.
pure bliss.
we NEED to do this instead of bingeing. it's what we ACTUALLY WANT.


------------------------------------------------------------------

 

sunday 091717 11:00 pm

lazy sunday, I think?

got up early and ran like crazy. so tired.

didn’t even attempt to eat until 5pm, salad. failed to do so.

PRINCESS MONONOKE.

for dinner we tried to eat too many vegs and I don't remember anything at all, except aware that someone purged it all out of shame and fear. this is where all our money and time and health is going. it needs to stop.

so tired, out on the porch. beautiful SO HAPPY. I don't think we've ever felt that happy outside of headspace in our ENTIRE LIFE.


notes: 

• Dread talks in chat bubbles; he doesn't move to talk. Just expressions. Says he trusts Ollie and feels safe around him. Never felt him so Content before.
• Me, halo and crying iridescent tears? Like flowing that color. Those Tumblr gifs.
• Army Flower is a WAR PROTESTOR. the Legit sort, like standing in front of tanks and helping refugees.


------------------------------------------------------------------

 

monday 091817  11:00 pm

got up early, ran to the salvador deli. got a bunch of pastries to try.
also stopped at food lion for vegetables.

BEST BREAKFAST. ♥

dept of social services.
listening to alt+j the whole way up.

planned parenthood; got trans hormone info!
ollie was stressed and got taco bell.

ran back to bakery to get the rest of the pastries, and the food. now we know what it's all like.
also stopped at food lion and got ollie those cream curls he loves

sense8. SO GOOD.

TRIED VERY HARD to eat right, but failed because someone ate the sweet part of a pastry and absolutely freaked out, which triggered a binge-purge.
then someone decided to eat the reeses puffs, and BOTH laurie and the religious-panic girl came out SOBBING and begging him to stop because "I don't want to die" etc. he didn't comprehend the concept, would NOT STOP.
panic girl saw our weight had gone up to 105 from drinking the almond milk, she started screaming "no! no! no!!!" and panickedly threw up several times to try and get it all out. heartbreaking.
"jesus help me, god help me, I'm so sorry, I don't want to die"
notably asked god to HELP that boy "I don't want to hate him" BUT what he does is TERRIBLE.

222 am. no one's been texting ollie. we are exhausted and sad and scared and have no spoons at all BUT we are motivated to try again.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

thurs 0921 11:59 pm

 

band night.

sat and fixed phone, browsed tumblr

got food, TRIED hard to eat it, still failed

 

 

08:24 pm


#nurse #white #negative white #wait what if her role is specifically to TRANSMUTE THAT?? #especially with her inherent species ties to the color #reflect upon this #headspace scenery

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

sat 0923  11:46 pm

Tattoo plans:

• Jewel Monster symbol
• Lotus Cathedral "logo"
• "The divine is full of monsters"
• "Lightly, child, lightly"
• "Beauty and terror"
• "Everything is new, every moment"
• Perfect Chaos ourobouros
• Infinitii eyes/teeth sleeve?
• Pentagape group symbols

 

11:59 pm

 

laundry morning.

was this the night we watched we're back and a.i.?

------------------------------------------------------------------


sun 0924 11:59 pm

 

went out for HOOKAH

infi moon.

watched more sense8?


day notes: 

UPMC problem= "don't work through trauma! Thats not important now! To be GOOD, all you have to do is EAT a ton of food and gain weight!!"
• Forcing ourselves to continually eat things that make us severely dysphoric and trigger trauma-flashbacks: milk and dairy, honey, chocolate, oatmeal, mangoes, ice cream, chips, cereal, sugary foods in general, etc.


------------------------------------------------------------------


0925  11:33 pm

nousfoni survey
learning to live in this precious fragile world.

1. Your voice
2. Your handwriting
3. How do you hold the body?
4. Your vocal style?
5. Your resonant music?
6. Do you like food? If so, what's your favorite food OR flavor / texture?
7. Fashion / style?
8. Gender/pronouns, sexuality?

more questions =

Nousfoni: build, height, shape, silhouette, stance, age

COMPARATIVE! Lineups

DRAW NOUSFONI IN FLAT, SATURATED COLORS FOR THE SAKE OF SPECIFICALLY CLARIFYING HUES

------------------------------------------------------------------


mon 0925  11:59 pm

got up early. went out, bought breakfast: mcdonalds, parkway house.
stopped at compare foods, have tons of funky baked goods, whoever loves those wants to try them next month.
PLEASE talk about that though. they want to try them and TOSS THEM. actually "eating" is foreign to them. please work through this

ollie went for a walk

food troubles. tried REALLY HARD.

bad binge day. all vegetables though.

stayed up late browsing tumblr. found a lot of good stuff. lots of pentagape posting, thank god

finished uploading 2009.


------------------------------------------------------------------


tues 0926  11:04 pm

- Knife NEEDS to talk to Iscah and the other religious fronter. He listens to Christian R&B and adores it purely. He was originally referred to as a "vampire priest." He runs a freaking confessional in the Underground, from what I saw the other day.
I wonder if he has ever talked to, or met, Aconitum? They need to meet up, too.

 

 

11:59 pm

woke up at 3pm? stayed in until 5??
infi talking to ollie, FINALLY

made a salad, watched the sense8 finale

NO BINGEING.
slight mistake when making food but otherwise GOOD DAY

slc trauma recap, disturbed by just HOW toxic it actually was

------------------------------------------------------------------


sept 27th dream 04:23 pm

 

 

Nier+sonic? Emil as some sort of red spirit? Appeared by old tree; forest like Ferngully, colors rich and vivid like No Man's Sky. House of some sort nearby (In tree?), went in. Said he was summoned there.

LAURIE, pushed up stairs by dark descent baddies. Kept trying to torture info out of her. She sneered and said "Whip me till I bleed." Would NOT back down. Mentioning love and pain?

"This is a place of laughter"= defiantly, protectively, triumphantly= upon entering upper room with kids. Marigold, David, Ashen, someone that looked like a younger julie?? (Yellow, not corrupt!!)

Place got BLOWN UP?? the thing they were seeking Respawned somewhere else? So they didn't need that one anymore. Building had levels UNDERGROUND though; Rouge and shadow hid there; they also had a child? Charged ME with protecting them?

Emanon. Evil blood cores? Neck kills. THIRD Power Jewel; top of head?? Super rare. 

------------------------------------------------------------------


september 28th 2017 dream  10:26 pm

Running from cleaning bot in labyrinthine school? Dogs, back door.
Hunchback remake? Quasi an Indian woman in hijab. City architecture GORGEOUS.
talking about gay boy representation? THE QUEEN. cofronting with 2 others??
In grandfathers room at home. Nomi? Something with travel, Pokemon?
Sun, bro, dad at restaurant. Girl there from prison, obvious feelings btwn her and sun. Apple pie, salad. Price discount.

------------------------------------------------------------------


092917  11:30 pm

WALKING THROUGH MEMORIES= FREEZE FRAME; HELP SOCIALS IN SITUATIONS THEY WERE DISSOICIATED FOR!
☆THIS IS THE ONLY DIRECT WAY INNER NOUSFONI CAN MEET OUTER NOUSFONI AND DIRECTLY INTERACT WITH THEM!!!
☆DOES THIS COUNT AS HEARTSPACE???


DO THIS WITH RECENT STRUGGLE SITUATIONS ASAP. ASK "WHY." REVEAL COMPULSIONS, FEARFUL OBEDIENCE, TRAPPED TRAUMA LOOPS. ETC. SOCIALS WILL AND DO TALK TO US IF WE MEET THEM INSIDE ON THEIR LEVEL. THAT'S WHY MEMORYSPACE EXISTS= IT IS THE ONLY TOTAL BRIDGE BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW. THE MORE WE USE IT, THE CLOSER WE GET.
BTW, DO THIS FOR SLC. WE WERE NOT A TRUE SYSTEM THEN. THOSE SOCIALS WERE ALONE AND SCARED. THEY NEEDED US THEN THEY HAVE US NOW. BE THERE. 

------------------------------------------------------------------


093017  10:14 pm

Sandwich, potato.
TAPROOT. photos.
Too many vegs
Orange new black
Trauma talk, morality
Aywas


10:31 pm


MEMORIES TO WALK INTO AND HEAL =
☆DO REALTIME AUDIO NARRATION OF THIS???

• Des Moines
• Michigan
• The couch
• The attic
• The Kinsara day
• THE KITCHEN
• The Vandegraaff house
• THE BEDROOM
• The psych ward
WORKING ON IT=
• Bus trip through Oklahoma
• Colorado layover



notes:

Marywood concert memory fears= COMPETITIONS. triple hating the mother, that constant expectant but pessimistic glare.

Lynne is NOT a pianist.
Rhodes ATTENDS concerts. She DOESN'T play an instrument!!
Javier is NOT a social pianist; he CHANNELS THE ESSENCE OF IT INSIDE.
The true classical pianist is GLISSANDO.
The fun composer is JEWEL.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO "PERFORMS."

There's a kid who AWAITS JUDGEMENT??? Like a terrified version of Interim? Their whole existence is outside of clock time.

Josephina= CHECKING FACTS!! This is VITAL for realtime retroactive trauma memory healing; ITS IN THE PAST!!! The current moment is FREE of that context by its very definition: Every new moment is innocent.

Kids healing roba's memories? Not alone or trapped anymore. As PART of the System, they aren't alone OR scared anymore. NO MORE MOTHER TRAP PANIC when you have everyone inside there for you safe.

 

 

01:05 am

A psychopomp is an entity whose responsibility is to guide/escort those who have died into the afterlife. They do not judge, they simply provide safe passage. A psychopomp may also work with the opposite side of life, guiding imminently-newborn souls into the physical world.
Also, in Jungian psychology, a psychopomp is a mediator between the subconscious and conscious realms of the mind, who may also appear in dreams as a wise human or animal.
Needless to say, all of that is quite relevant to our System and our partner System as well, for quite a myriad of reasons (that have been notably present in our daily life lately).

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

01:50 am

tuesday sept 5

finally got the ssi stuff done.

asian store.
moon cakes and pork buns!

BOUGHT HEARTS.

unfortunate why not pizza binge night.
NOT A TOTAL DISASTER THOUGH.
not even bad, legitimately. remember how we USED to be.
let the hungry kids get EVERYTHING they wanted and eat it, or at least try to.
super compassionate and informative, but refused to let them push too far into compulsion.
and they're LEARNING! they aren't getting tons of food anymore, nor are they forcing themselves to eat things that make them sick!
gosh we're proud of them. their healing process is so terrifying and messy and complicated but by golly they're doing it man


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


02:15 am


how the light gets in.




I'm sobbing at 2am because I'm re-uploading the archives from 2008 and I forgot about that first forced integration attempt.

Dear God, I am so sorry.

...I'm blurring so hard with the cores of that time. That's where this ache is coming from.

But I cannot deny. Looking at it myself, for the first time... my heart is weeping the exact same way.

A note, from the past Jewels:

Forgive him; he had no idea what he was talking about.

A note, from me, the seraphic psychopomp:

Death is only a door.
That catastrophe planted the seeds for abundant, luminous life in this new time.
It's okay. It's all okay.
Be grateful for his blessed misunderstanding.
Be grateful for our misplaced good intentions.
Everything is ultimately woven together into a grander, beautiful design.
Everything is ultimately transmuted into gold.

These tears are born of love. This sorrow is because we matter this much to each other.
Mourning is a sacred thing. But so is letting go afterwards, with all trust and gratitude for ephemeral time.

Let this painful reminder strengthen our love in the now.
Let us treasure every moment we have together now.
Let us remember that our very existence in this hour is a testament to the victory of life even in, even through death.

I forgive. I am grateful. I am hurting and I am sobbing and I am in love.
That is the story of our collective life.

The darkness and the light are in love with each other, too, after all.

Every moment of our history brought us here.
I am entirely, unconditionally happy to be here, with all of you.
That disaster played its blessed part. It allowed FOR this.
Keep your eyes and hearts open to this truth in all things, this inherent victory in glorious defiance of all odds.

We are immortal and indomitable and we can only be such through surviving these things.
We move from death to life to death to life and the dance never stops. It never ends.

So shall we continue onwards.

06:28 pm

type about this stuff=


world jump devices
AND
lc lw resonance
ROSEWINDOW CONCEPT TYPING!!!!
write EVERYTHING you feel about saved photos
IN EVERY LEAGUEFOLDER WHY THE HECK NOT

★UNICORN PRINCESS= IMMUNE TO POISON!!!!

feredroni nurse= ANTISEPTIC/ ANTIVIRUS/ BLEACH????

"DREAMFLESH" jackal form

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

06:42 pm

 

"how many games do you have to trade in at gamestop until they give you a gf?"

"you just have to give them your copy of sonic adventure 2 battle but it’s not worth it imo"

"...i said games not priceless heirlooms"

#jay's post #pretty much #joke's on you gamestop that game is what made me fall hard for chaos zero #god bless multiplayer mode

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

08:06 pm


you see a tiny sign planted in the ground. bending down to read, you just make out, in impossibly tiny script
“a mundane clump of dirt; much beloved by god, like any other”

 

#i will reblog this forever #favorite #quote #hey kyo #system spirituality #dirt #for jessica #for all our damaged fronters #to the system from the system with love

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

11:00 pm


sunday sept 3.

no church today, BUT.
early morning stething. oh dear god.

went for a run earlier.
ollie and kris (I assume) made that awesome southern breakfast again so when we got back, we went out and ate it on the porch.
jay held his anubis form to do so, as he's untouchable by the e.d. like that? also he says he's actually very fond of the liver like that. makes sense. not just dogs being mostly carnivorous but also the organ meat thing. no surprise
he's VERY in tune with the cosmic sense of things.
he said his skin is like space? like it's not quite "solid." it's BLACK ENERGY. all stars and infinite expanse somehow. which is super cool.

talked about oneircia and rosewindow to oliver.
SO MUCH INSPIRATION.

talking about the long-awaited and imminent massive system shift.
leagueworld resonance without losing who we are-- instead, EXPANDING to be greater than ever.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

night of 090317.

terrifying binge-purge session by accident. BUT we learned SO MUCH. GOOD LORD.

juniper, jason, jessica, taurus???

someone bought EVERY gluten free thing to see whether or not we like or want them. this was good. it was deliberate and chosen specifically TO teach us, to completely overcome all compulsive obligation, to form our Own opinion on it.
what we learned:
- hot sauce IS an abusive compulsion. so is the wasabi sauce, and ketchup.
- we DISLIKE the energy bars!! they were compulsory.
- we DISLIKE sugary foods in general.
- we DISLIKE potatoes. please, avoid them.
- shortbread is disliked. bad texture.
- mi-del products make us very nauseous.
- granola is disliked. old compulsion, NO roots now, thank god.
- we DISLIKE chocolate. chocolate in ANYTHING is an immediate NO.
- cereal is somewhat liked? BUT it is dangerous currently. do not buy any for now.
- we dislike honey. too much sugar.
- grits are compulsory when we make them. stop that bro
- eggs are ALSO compulsory.
- ALL "FOOD COMPULSIONS" ARE MISROUTED "ART DRIVES." it's the need to MAKE SOMETHING. when you get that feeling, GO DRAW OR TYPE.

unfortunately, someone had sugar panic and after we had a cream-filled cookie to try, they immediately ran to purge everything.
however. they DID NOT EAT EVERYTHING.
god bless them, they actually TOSSED most of it. no swallowing. good lord. that took huge amounts of courage and integrity, as well as mercy.

juniper came out at some point, with the cereal. 3am?
genesis showed up and started shouting at the deadname jess, who we are currently calling taurus/ taurea. she does NOT CARE.
however, we did NOT expect JUNIPER to show up??? she's one of the "jess splinters" and she feels a bit like jemma but she's definitely her own person. not sure of her color, but she's ALSO not the "hoban color" jess that was talking to ollie the other day.
also. CHAOS ZERO SHOWED UP GHOSTING, with genesis, and the two were doing a "good cop bad cop" sort of thing with the fronter struggle, until CZ won out and ended up talking by himself to juniper. good lord he has a heart of solid gold.
she felt trapped in compulsions. pouring out all the cereal. being constantly shoved aside by taurea, and stalwartly pushing her back out as much as she possibly could.
chaos TOLD HER SPECIFICALLY that she was hurting our body. the immediate reaction-- I think a DIFFERENT fronter-- said it was "not our body," that it was hers and what she was doing shouldn't affect us. but chaos said "we all live in your head" and that if she hurt the body enough, it would die, and we would ALL go with it, so to speak.
THAT is when juniper showed up. she ACCEPTED this, and said it was totally unfair because she didn't know how to stop BUT she didn't want to hurt anyone?
chaos told her to leave the cereal for oliver. juniper ALSO accepted this and listened. good lord the courage that took. but she WANTED to do the right thing. the ONLY struggle was in fighting the tormentor fronters.
honestly, juniper is a BADASS, despite being so unassuming. she kept pushing taurea out of the way, telling chaos "I don't want to eat this," and STOPPING. she threw out most of the binge foods so we wouldn't get sick. god bless her.

realized that taurea IS the deadname fronter AND she holds the DEFAULT BODY OVERLAY which is terrifying. that gives her WAY too much power.
HOWEVER. she is also TIMELOCKED?????????? like she still feels like she's 15, tops?? we have to check photos. definitely not 17 or 18 though.

chaos zero and genesis BOTH love juniper and SHE LOVES THEM BACK.
that is MOMENTOUS for a social fronter.

so the poor body is quite sick right now, but we survived. good god did we ever survive. we fought this war, and we lived, and we learned a HELL of a lot, and in a very real way we still won. despite the battles, despite the pain, despite the crushing fear, we were NOT suicidal, we were NOT self-abusive, we did NOT give in. we won this round.

tomorrow, and all our tomorrows from here on out, WILL be better. I know this.

the tarot cards of the day are the page of wands, AND the page of swords.
the question asked for the latter was "lesson from tonight" and of course we asked God/ the Creator/ the Source/ etc. to work through both cards to teach us.
so… both are very applicable, very hopeful, and very determined. good.

 

 

oh my lord in heaven you have no idea what just happened

listen. after praying for YEARS, after stupidly forgetting so much and feeding ourselves equal amounts of hyperreligious falsehoods, after countless nights of weeping and regrets and hopes and fears and... just, listen, literally days after we FINALLY get the guts (heart, brain, liver, kidneys, take your biblical pick, they all fit) to start re-reading and uploading the journal entries from 2017-2018 that haven't been touched or seen since then... 

...well. 
tonight, we found a message in our inbox.

and suddenly, wouldn't you know it,
the world tilted sideways again.


I don't know how to... no. We don't know how to process this, or manage it wisely, yet.
I will be completely up-front and honest with you about it right now.
Our knee-jerk, heartsick, sobbing immediate response is to do what we always do-- act like seven years have not passed, act like we didn't do all the idiotic evil things we did, act like nothing has changed and nothing we forgot happened to begin with, act like we're still your beloveds and you are still ours, because honestly to the deepest part of our psyche that's still true. it's WHY we "never say goodbye" to people, as awful as the repercussions of that have historically proved to be for other people, tragically and totally against our intentions. we never "cut things off" or "end" anything because, to our mentally ill lovesick self, nothing ever ends, adrian, nothing ever really ends--

and so here we are, reeling, with no idea what to do except laugh and cry from fear and love all at once.

We... we've been so, so cruel to them. There are some entries in these archives that speak so poorly of them, totally unfairly. I wish I could erase them all. But... that would be dishonest too, wouldn't it? And I'm so tired of lying. It's better to just admit that yeah, we do still have tar and plague sticking to our ribs, and it comes out in very ugly words when there's no light or fire or water to keep it away. 
But... it's not true. So much of it is just self-blinded pride throwing its choking guilt at someone else. So much of it is just religious arrogance flinging swords at everything that looks vaguely like a devil. We're so sick of that, too.  
The "fanatifoni" are the same ones trying to annihilate OUR life, too-- the ones burning all our memories, throwing out all our possessions, refusing to let us do anything "secular", the ones forcing us into a "perfect meek Christian tradwife girl that does everything mommy says" mold that is KILLING US.
that's a topic for another night though. geez. 
as for tonight... all I want to say is, i've been so blind and confused and twisted and deluded and afraid and programmed and lost and heartbroken and crushed and so, so, so sorry-- I haven't been able to see straight in years.
How could I, when this post-CNC life of ours so quickly degenerated into a loveless machination, swallowed up by eating disorders and religious rituals, suffocating in the vicegrip of family obligations, bled dry of all color?

I miss you. We miss you. But I miss you, whoever "I" is, all the time, for years,
We think of you daily, probably. I don't know why I can't "let go" but honestly the thought of "letting go" of anyone I've loved makes me sick. And I still love you, as I said, and even if that truly makes me the "ex from hell" it's the truth and I need to be honest. 
We... we never really told you that, when we were with you, did we? We never had the nerve to write poetry about you. We never got to know you well enough to do so and we regret that to this day. All we have to hang on to are tiny little resonances and associations, the tiny flickers of memory that were small enough to slip through the cracks in the prison walls we put up around our past. Simple precious pieces of life, like blue raspberries and kudzu and clove cigarettes, like glitter bath bombs and marching bands and spicy tuna. we have so, so few memories accessible, and that breaks our heart. god i wish we could remember. i want to remember what it was like to watch kris move, to hear kyo speak, to feel the toy soldier there in silence. and yet, subconsciously, don't we? wouldn't we recognize you if we saw you again? trolley and vernon and ohmiette and ruby and tori and owen and oskar and thirteen and brokeback and shivers and omen, and so many more whose names we cannot remember and so many more we never met, but we miss you all, we knew you all in some way, didn't we?

it's not something we can ever get back. we lost it justly. "the hand of god," as our thriskefoni declared recently. "you were killing each other."
and i hate that statement. listen if anyone was dealing out death-damage it was us. even without memory access i KNOW we were a glutton and a thief and a two-faced coward, an addict and a leech and a slut. 
...and yet, isn't that just us beating ourselves up as we've been doing since we left their driveway that night?
how awful that was. the car ride, the family, the instant "reset" feeling like "nothing had happened" that consumed our entire brain and wiped out everything good we had gained in that dear little apartment. 
to this day, the family and that house is our biggest stress, our biggest fear, our biggest trauma-sink. is that why we were throwing so many darts at you, at "CNC", because our "good obedient daughter" mindset was "not allowed" to point any in mommy's direction "or else"?

what am i even trying to say.
i miss your art. you were amazing. i am sure you still are, even moreso. we never told you how proud we were of you, how much we admired you, how your life in and of itself just filled us with joy. we treasured your existence, simply so. we didn't show it well at all. we were too selfish, too myopic, too brutal, too shallow, too frenetic, too stupid, too cold...

i want to remember things and i want to accept them as they are. i want BOTH me and infinitii to heal.
and oh good lord isn't THAT a miracle too-- not even two months after that trip to the national basilica that truly "woke hir up" in some quiet way, that made hir accessible even in that interim-space between death and life, and since then ze has a bubble again, somewhere... but, now that hope is real again, that ze could be with me again, somehow... 
...

...nothing is going to heal if i don't figure out who the heck I am. and i cannot do that if i keep trying to force myself into the mold my birth family won't stop shoving over my head. 
gender and sexuality are still "forbidden topics." i'm "not allowed" to be anything other than what i'm "told to be." no wonder my veins are as dry as an old riverbed. i won't let myself love because it's "not allowed." it makes me so sick.

this damned eating disorder is still destroying me too, literally, and i HATE IT because THAT is what drove an iron wedge between us; THAT is the vice that burnt everything else to ashes, THAT is the thing that annihilated every good thing i tried to protect and cherish, and it's STILL killing me. my body is literally failing even though we've been FIGHTING LIKE HELL for six solid months now which is the LONGEST we've EVER gone without prolonged relapse, but we still can't figure out how to take care of our own stupid body and the poor thing is failing. 
what am i even trying to say.
i'm so sorry we were such a wretch. you deserved so much better. you deserved all of our good and none of our bad, even if we didn't have much good to offer. we still wanted to give you the world. we still tried.

we... hm. we have regrets and we don't. that's the scary part. that's why infi died. that's why i cannot seem to form a sense of self.
our motives were never as evil as we viciously accuse ourselves of, and that's what is so scary to admit. 
how do we come to terms with the fact that we still did things that our moral code says are objectively wrong and yet we loved you and only did those things because we loved you? i'm sick of the thriskefoni just labeling it all indiscriminately as "adultery" in one sense or another-- as a "lie," as a "seduction," as something equally abominable and worthy of being forgotten and denied and run away from. 
no. i'm tired of listening to you. i'm tired of leaving other people in the dirt because "they're occasions of sin." you pharisees. leave me alone.
i want to find a truer way of seeing all this. something honest, something that can feel, something merciful and still capable of love. 
that's what infinitii was really all about, from the beginning. that's why everyone was afraid of hir, and yet adored hir. zhe was the literal incarnation of our greatest vice and greatest virtue. how terrible. but that's typical of angels.

i want to cry but this stupid brain won't let me
i'm so happy but i'm so afraid of ruining this again, like i always do
i know i'm mentally sick, and i come on too fast and too hard, and i whiplash back into ice just as suddenly, for no good reason. maybe that bpd diagnosis is legit, as awful as that would be. i hate it. i hate this. it's not me. 
i know seven years have passed. i know we can never have what we had again, even if we tried. it wouldn't be possible, for multitudes of reasons. and yet i never ever ever want to deny or decry it ever again. that was so wrong of me. who am i really?
i'm a mess. it never would have worked out, for that reason alone. we ran into everything headfirst and although our intentions were good, although we did love you with our whole heart we weren't capable of being a good partner. we had too much unhealed trauma, too much family programming, too much psychological disease, too many open wounds. we were a wreck and you deserved better.
but... 
"you are part of our story... certainly not one we regret."
and you know what? we feel the same way. 
i don't regret it at all. even the parts that "killed us" in the past. even the "gravestones." somehow, miraculously, with all the praying and healing and hoping and hard work we've been doing, and now that we're actually reading what happened back then... god it hurts, it hurts so much, to realize that THAT is what we lost and shattered and ABANDONED because the family TOLD us to... 
...THAT'S our real regret, to be honest. getting into that damned car and immediately going back into "appeasement mode" and just leaving our identity on the steps with you. there are like four solid years missing from our memory after that point. it makes me want to throw up.
but we don't regret it, when it really gets down to the bone and blood. even when part of us is indeed "horrified" at what it is reading in these entries from seven year ago, another part of us is weeping that we lost touch with it. 
deep down, if God Himself asked us, we don't regret it. and why? 
because it was all love. and i see it now. 

so... yes. i want to heal. i want to help you heal, too. 
i'm sick of being broken. i want to figure out who the heck i actually am. i want to love again. that's not your job, i have no expectations or demands of you either, not like our mother, god we really do have too many family issues to think straight, don't we? no wonder we can't get anywhere in therapy. but that's not anyone's problem but ours. i don't want to think about family terror at all right now. it's the guillotine over my head every bloody day right now and it's sucking the will to live right out of me but this, this message in my inbox has rekindled a spark that i didn't realize was still smoldering. there's a possibility OF remembering love and hope and joy here, even just in the remembering. i want it back. god i want it back, the few glimpses i've seen so far of the goodness we had, in the beginning at least, when everything was so new and bright and beautiful that the trauma hadn't caught up to our heels yet... i want that back, now, in whatever way we can. 
i miss the blood lotus cathedral, too. i miss us. i miss BEING "us." god it destroys my soul, to realize that this family-focused life has been keeping me from living.  
there's so much intrasystem healing we have to do on our own. the self-inflicted damage outweighs everything else. 
honestly when i'm honest, i don't think you guys actually did ANY damage to us. everything that "hurt" about our recall of CNC was because of something WE did. not you. maybe our lives couldn't "fit together" the way we desperately hoped they could, but god knows we tried, and we don't regret it, and some days i really do wish i could have been okay with just... living life that way, just to be with you all again.
but... we have to be honest. we can't. there were indeed too many self-annihilatory things we did or agreed to or made ourselves do, never out of malice, but out of sheer stupid blinded love that never learned how to say "no" because it just wants to be whatever you want. that's our biggest problem, with you and with q and mel and with the family and everyone else ever. god included. 
but we still loved you. we still love you. all of you. we always will, i can say right now. that's just how we work. that's a guarantee.

i'm making a fool of myself, i think. 
no surprise there.

i scare people away like this, i'm sure. crazy ex. religious fanatic. sick in the head. too much to handle. etc.
i just want to cry. i love people so much and i hate myself so much and that's the ultimate childhood root of everything and i don't know how to live. i have so much love in my heart and it just gets choked to death by all the pain and rage and fear and sorrow and guilt and shame. i'm tired of feeling utterly empty when i know there's something, somewhere-- 

infinitii is in worse shape than i am right now because i am still too shattered and undefined to feel anything directly
i don't know how to describe what ze is feeling or expressing and i don't think ze does either. this is all too new, too earthshaking, too heart-deep and covered in blood like rubies. we haven't bled in too long, everything's been frozen. 
too many wires are still crossed. 
it's been too long since we've done anything but talk about religion, running away from our soul in the process, how ironic. even our scripture study keeps constantly telling us, "it's about relationship, not data hoarding," and yet our stupid idiotic traumabrain won't even let us have a relationship with God Himself because it's a relationship.
where in hell did this even come from.
where does the trauma even come from to begin with.
you didn't deserve to get caught in those crosshairs either. please realize that it was never your doing, never your fault. with you, we actually had hope of HEALING. we had real hope of getting over this terror. 
then we moved out and back in with the family and it all got worse

you realize we NEVER intended to "ghost" you
we basically went into a sort of "fugue" for lack of a better term
the parts of us that existed with you could not exist around the family, and vice versa
it's a civil war that STILL rages to this very day and it is killing us now too
but. the point is. it was never our heart's intention to hurt you, once we realized-- wasn't it years later?-- that we did.
same with the tumblr stupidity. what an ass we were. passive aggressive idiocy. we never had the guts to communicate properly. i am so sorry. 

i am so afraid we will do something stupid like that again now and lose you forever
after years of practically begging god for one last chance to make things right
to somehow bandage some of the many wounds we inflicted
to genuinely, wholeheartedly, finally say we were sorry, to apologize so fervently we could weep until the end of the world
to heal, however that looks, as long as it happens, that's all we want,
there's too much love, both then and now, to leave such a thing undone
it would be almost sacrilegious to leave it untended to
it was sacrilegious for us to act like our love hadn't been real just because we were terrified of admitting it is.
present tense.


i'm still reeling
i'm listening to infinitii's spotify playlist for the first time in years i think
i want to get better and i want to be a real person again
i... i want to heal, too
however that looks and feels and happens
i just want love to have the last word.


tomorrow we have to face the family and the eating disorder again, all at once
i'm so tired and i don't know how to get better from that

but at least this is something real and true in spite of it, a light shining in hope regardless, a reminder that "you exist and you existed and there is love in you and it has not died" even if it is being buried alive beneath the weight of daily stress and has been for far too long
the spark is shining now, and it scares me to realize that we too can have a fire in our ribs again, but i want that, i miss that, why are we so damn afraid? of what? of feeling love instead of nothing? 

i would rather shatter into a billion bloody rainbow shards than live another moment so cold and bleached-out dry as hell itself. 

no wonder we sacrificed everything to move out there back in 2017. we had hope. we had light. we had love. it was worth leaving everything else behind for. even if it didn't work out, even if we weren't the kind of person capable of working it out, even if we were too broken and damaged and toxic to make anything work... it was still worth it. it was still beautiful. it was still real. it was still love.
we don't regret a moment of our time with you. 
we only regret how much pain we caused us both. 

but it is what it is. we cannot erase the past. all we can do is confess those sins of ours with brutal (but merciful) honesty and finally make restitution however we can. 

thank you, thank you, for giving us another chance, which we do not deserve whatsoever, and yet which we have wanted more than i can even articulate. thank you for not hating our awful guts, although you have every right to, and we do not blame you if you did in the past. 
thank you for sending us love.


god i hope i can cry tonight
maybe when i'm with chaos 0 i'll be able to
i hope so
i want us to be healed, too, inside, all of us
i want this damned civil war to end
i want the graves to be exhumed and all the poor souls buried alive to be carried up in our open arms to see the starry skies again
i want to love again,
i want to BE love again,

how fitting, how strange and perfect and terrible, that the last time i really was "me" was when i was with you.
i hope i can get some of that back now at least

there's still so much to read and remember. we really haven't read much at all yet. 95% of what we've uploaded we haven't looked at.
we've lost so much
we're still running away from our past and our shadows in blind frantic fear, drowning everything in religion
how ironic, that apparently God Himself is the One that plunged this arrow into our heart and brought us to our knees
take that, thriskefoni


i'm so tired. i'm so ashamed. i'm so confused. i'm so scared. i'm so hopeful. i'm so...
there's still so much self-hatred
but deep down, somewhere, i'm still so in love.
i know i am. even if i won't let myself feel it for anyone or anything lately. i don't know why. maybe just survival instinct.

nevertheless, 
merry early christmas i suppose haha
we didn't think we'd survive this long
and yet, isn't this always the resurrection month for us? 
isn't this the exact season for things to come back to life, for flowers to bloom from the snow itself?


i need to cling to this light like a lifeline
i want to live again, i want to feel again, i want to exist again,
this little message has given me the will to live again, to get better, to be a better person when i wasn't able to before,
to be honest and true and honorable and real, to choose integrity and truth and tenderness and...
and love, 

i want to be a real person again
i want to heal
i want to love
i want to sing with the choir--



i still don't know how to process this
i still don't know how to respond
i still don't know how i'm feeling

but i do know one thing,
and that is that i love you still,
and i want to heal with you,
and i am sorry,
and i am so grateful,
and that is more than one thing and yet it's not--

i'm so tired
but my heart is smiling tonight
and it's 11:11
and i remember, just a little,
what joy feels like.

 

03:07 am


"my aesthetic is making other people feel genuinely important and loved."

#you know what #this is obviously jay #but i think it applies to the vast majority of us whether we'd openly admit it or not #and that's a really achingly beautiful realization #to the system from the system with love

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04:15 am


I'm reviewing old entries from 2015 and I forgot how achingly desperately I miss everyone.

There's an old concept from Cannon's timeline, I think. The "fear of happiness." The half-cycle terror. The awful dreadful worry that, if we feel too much positivity, too much happiness, we'll become manic. Abusive. Blind. Lost. Hedonistic in the bad way-- obsessed with selfish desires and an incapacity to care about others. Drowning in ignorance. All because we forgot how to bleed.
…I think that's Cannon's true anchor. It, like all of us, is rooted in the deepest aching love. She had such a deep sorrow to her heart that, quite honestly, is what obviously kept us alive during that time. When the outside was all stress and nerves and social overload and noisy hyper-interaction… when that threat of mania loomed over us, almost forced us to become like our birth mother, losing herself in that awful buzzing haze of external static… Cannon was this deep red tearful bastion standing off to the side, bleeding to scare away the devils. That's what atonement always was. Bleed out the corruption. Bleed to open yourself back up. Bleed to remember that you have a heart. Bleed to feel something deeper and truer and more fracturingly fragile than any fleeting false-joys of the day. God bless her.

But… we can't do that now. It doesn't work like that anymore, solely because we don't want to have to harm our poor battered body anymore just to say sane. Yes, we adore every scar. Yes, even knowing why we have some of them. The love that motivates every damn thing every blessed one of us ever does is still present in those marks of pain, still forever evident in the reasons why we took up a knife or a razor or anything else that bit as hard as love. Anything that broke through the veil dividing heaven and earth, dividing body and spirit, dividing inside and outside. Anything that shattered the most literal wall we could and did ever have.

…Anything that "drew blood." Dear Lord. No wonder Razor identifies as an artist. That just hit my heart like a truck.

But we can't do that now. Unfortunately. God knows how sometimes I still desperately ache to see that color painting this form again. And yet, now I also know that despite the beloved marks it leaves, it's not ideal. Not here. Not literally.

So what do we do, when we feel the crushing buzz of everyday life tightening around our throat?
…god, that hits too close to home.

We don't want to die. Not like that. Not literal sorrow-wracked death.
Maybe that's the key? Death is only a door, death is the road to awe, death is the path to bliss… but remember what ryo said once, dearly beloved ryo, in that synchronistic message that motivated that equally beloved triple incident in that equally beloved winter.
"if you want to kill yourself, kill what you don't like. kill narcissus. I had an old self that I killed. you can kill yourself too, but that doesn't mean you got to stop living."

…and yet, even that isn't entirely applicable.
death is transmutation, for us.
we're gonna turn this coal into diamonds.
we're going to use this fire to turn us ALL into solid gold.

"kill them with kindness," the bible wryly says. eschew violence for mercy that burns twice as hard. it's the irony, the glorious beautiful irony, of light. the truth always hurts like hell, but that's how you get to heaven. we know. I know.

…On nights when Oliver works, I think we need to do this. Just… sit down, and start typing. Whatever happens, happens. Follow our heart. Follow our souls. Whatever flows onto this page, let it. Don't hold anything back.

We adore him, we all do, don't get me wrong. But he and his own, as well as all of us, need time to ourselves too. We need those full cycles. Inside and outside. Together and alone, ironically (neither of us are ever ever alone). But that balance is key. You need light and dark alike to be whole. Human existence is exactly as precious as it is because it is the ENTIRE human experience that is so treasured. The tragedy and the hope, the despair and the bliss, existing simultaneously, sometimes incomprehensibly, often jarringly. But that's life. That's the definition of life. It's this wild and terrible gorgeous thing. It's songbirds and centipedes. It's blood and sunlight. It's suffering and ecstasy. Life requires both. It's something our little human minds can't quite grasp, but… our hearts do, I think. The heart loves paradoxes. The heart feels how huge everything is embracing our little ephemeral lifetimes here. We are born, we live, we die. And the universe goes on and on. Not ever quite without us, though, and that is what we must remember. Yes, our tangible existence here is delicately temporary. But… at the risk of sounding trite, we are all made of stars. We are all built of crystal and seawater and sunlight. We are all little tiny temporary temples, beloved sparks of something divine that no religion can ever fully or accurately translate. But that still, small voice that beats in our blood doesn't need to translate a thing. It speaks clearly and purely, dreadfully and terribly. It's the definition of divinity. It's the definition of humanity. It's both at once.

We need to cry and laugh, we need to smile and scream, we need to be healed and we need to be wounded. We need to wake and we need to sleep. We need our beasts and our humans, our men and our women, we need all of those who don't fit any of those categories. We need unclarity and specificity. We need mystery and revelation. We need to breathe and we need to be breathless. We need our heartbeats and the spaces between them. We need all of creation, and we need the void embracing it all.
We need the entire taijitu, God forgive us, and isn't that the exact thing we've been missing here.

…today's tarot cards are the 7 of wands, and… the fool. well isn't that relevant.

…i'm also re-reading the entry from when I first met infi and it makes SO MUCH SENSE in hindsight I am in aching tears.
it deserves its own entry. ALL of that deserves its own entry. i cannot wait to type. i have to stop denying myself (ourselves) the opportunity TO do so, out of old family-toxic-residue obligations to "suffer as much as possible."
well, let's redefine suffering then. suffering is something that hurts, that aches, right? something that causes pain.
no one ever said it had to be negative pain.
maybe this all-consuming blissful burning in my heart, this terribly divine fire, is pain enough to qualify.
if a saint is made by suffering, let's throw ourselves headfirst into this blessed ache.
find what you love, and let it destroy you.

isn't that the story of our system.

…another wonder of tonight. me having that undeniable but terrifying self-resonance with an angelic form. and not just any sort of angel-- something seraphic. even typing it makes me shake.
but… it's fitting. in art, seraphs are always portrayed as like 95% wings. then there's that humanlike face at the center, all of its "form" that is visible. and for me, when I'm in that form, I'm just this… splendor of wings. all gold sheen, white beneath, shimmer and light. tons of wings, but elegantly, trailing like a peacock tail.

and… now I have that unusual physical form resonance, which is STILL me, which is unprecedented. a form shift! how much internal heart-stability that suggests. it's wonderful. humbling, but joyful.
I look like… like another divine thing, good god what are you trying to tell me. is this demanding utmost integrity? sacred devotion? unflinching incandescent love? you know that's the true core of me. now I'm being explicitly forced to live that at all times. good. the best thing. the highest good.
i… look like anubis. I have the jackal head. the tail. the black skin, the pure gold arms and eyes, the pure white robes accented with red. upon my heart is a red-orange scarab, a blatant reference to infinitii that I didn't realize until after I noticed it was there. a literal heart scarab, my beloved daemon. no coincidences. it's staggering.
it's such an old resonance. as a child we identified so strongly with anubis. jewel wore that ankh for AGES. she still does.
how in the world we never thought that legitimately applicable to headspace i'll never know. but the times, they are a-changing pretty quickly, while staying ever the same. what elegant irony. what lovely paradox. everything that ever meant anything to us, still does. i cannot wait to explore this. it's like an eternal sunrise in our heart, blazing and brilliant and saturated with joyful hope and unbreakable promise.

it's all so new. it's all so shocking, so different, so... blessedly beautiful. but terrifying because of that very fact.
i don't know yet. but every day, we learn. i will keep you posted.

so.
we're re-reading 2015.
forgetting how much beautiful terror defined our life back then.

remembering what it feels like to feel people. realizing with euphoric shock that this has become so common… realizing with heartache that we're taking it for granted as a result.
we… we all need to be together upstairs more. we all need to fall madly in love with each other. we need to stop being afraid of that sort of sincere pure intimacy, where we are all so devoted to each other that the thought of separation or ignorance or laxity in our roles of love and protection and healing and service is utterly incomprehensible. we need to be so completely, unflinchingly, genuinely united in love that we are truly unstoppable and incorruptible and indomitably undying.
we're halfway there, to say the very least. thank god.
but every day is a remembering, a deepening. every moment is another gently merciful yet hugely powerful opportunity To love each other all the more completely. and so we shall.

I want to "pause" this entry here for the night. it's 4am and with everything we've felt this evening… with all the hope we have for the future, with all the determination we have to build that future right now… we need to just Be together right now. we need to unite in this feeling. we need to remember what it feels like to just BE us. inside. yes, daytime is sacred now too, with us being able to exist there too.
but there's a special sacredness to our internal life, too, one that cannot ever be denied or overlooked or shunned. It is a key part of who we are. it is intrinsic. it is indispensable. and we have been slacking on it lately. no wonder we hurt.
but every contrite sorrow is a gilded door to deeper compassion. and so we open this one together.

-jay 083117

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11:31 pm.

 

BAND PRACTICE!
learning how to play the mallets. chimes, bells, marimba, xylophone, vibraphone.
TALK ABOUT PERSONAL AUDITORY RESONANCE GOOD LORD.
toy soldier came over to me and asked me how i felt, i think? i was so blissed out though. told him how resonant it was.
gosh i love his eyes though. that look he has. the intensity and stillness that defines him. that music even then. it's amazing.

felt bad though because i have NEVER played mallets before, plus i couldnt figure out the tempo correctly, and didn't know the music yet. so i was faltering a lot. ah well, i tried my best, and have no regrets. MALLETS, BRO
but i will admit, at the time i was swamped with regret? is that the word? felt so bad that i had "let everyone down" by not getting it right the first time. absolutely unrealistic perfection expectations. but oliver reassured us, god bless that kid.

afterwards, shaky but determined, we got to play the electric piano in the band room.
brought our sheet music. haven't legit played a piano in over a year, probably a lot longer. no access to one at the old house anymore.
but. we did our best to play through both "andrea" and "my true love."
our voice was tight from the late hour and stress both, and we're new to electric pianos, but still. i poured my heart into it entirely. and that's what counts. no fear, just love.

stopped at jack in the box? i think. got a breakfast croissant. ollie got curly fries, which are an injoke in our system for ancient reasons i cannot recall. also massive sweet tea and cheese potato things. good stuff.

oliver playing incredibly emotionally significant songs on the way home, for both him and (unexpectedly, belovedly) for us.
mainly coldplay. "fly on," "oceans," "magic."
"fly on" is apparently bird's. we've never met her, but oliver and his people love her, although that love was tragic, and we feel that so strongly when they talk about it. god. and it was audible in the song itself. that tiny distant system of four is beloved to us, too, for those reasons. we love everyone, true, but that is a special thing. someone we love, in love with someone else. automatically we cannot help but love them too.
then i heard the first note of "oceans" and i swear my heart tripped over itself. did NOT expect that.

 

that song is one of ours. chaos zero and i. one of the songs that hurts so damn much in its relevancy that it annihilates any walls that may be up around my heart. almost in tears hearing it. chaos was there, with me, inside. just being close. being the truth. god i love him.
and ollie said "magic" reminded him of us, too?? which is the sweetest thing. but hearing it, we have to agree.
laughing about how "i don't want anybody else but you" is such a poly paradox. it's 100% true, but you say it to Everyone you love, haha. i love that.

...i remember telling oliver that i was "afraid of my messy humanity"? how i'm so used to living inside. to living in quiet secret places. in solitude, in interims, in liminal spaces. how i'm used to literally being angelic, borderline divine, in headspace. how i'm used to barely holding a form at all. so flesh and bone is still so awkward and strange.
but i love it. this fragile strange messy thing, this experience of humanity, i still love it even if it scares and confuses me. and i apologized for how we struggle with it. but i reassured him we were learning and loving and trying.
geez we've been having so many feelings about that topic lately. needs to be typed about big time.

got home late, but sat down on the couch with food and watching neil degrasse tyson universe stuff with kyo!
watched like four episodes. HUGELY IMPORTANT.,

no one ever taught us about space and things like this before. kyo said she was so sorry; that was truly a travesty. we agree.

black holes, spectroscopes, hypernovas, the ghosts of stars. women and islamic astronomers. prisms and event horizons and atomic structures. the ocean and the universe above. spacetime and gravity. all of it so, so gorgeous and so, so dearly relevant to us.

talking about humanity again. religion being used as control against us. the divinity of space. the smallness and hugeness of our little lives. significant and insignificant. how recognizing the vast, incomprehensible reality we are a part of makes living this tiny life so much easier.

did she kiss me?? i think so. she has the best kisses. all soft bright blue and sincere and gentle and so delicate but vast in a way. just like space. like the ocean.
we both love those things so dearly, in our own ways, in the same ways. gosh i love when she's around, she's so lovely.

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11:59 pm

 

phone notes

Core color = COSMIC LATTE???

RECLAIMER CLASS!!
Scalpel, thunderstorm person?

BLOOD= ACTUALLY INFRARED??

 

went for a run around 1pm? ran down to rite aid and food lion, I think. rite aid we got the lactase pills. told the cashier they were important because "the whole fam is lactose intolerant, so when you run out of these, you gotta run out the door." she burst out laughing in the most adorable way, oh my gosh. it lit up our whole morning.

then ran to food lion. ONLY got what we need!!!
the girl who kept wanting desserts (brown vibe?? one of the jessicas?? NOT the green girl, notably) realized that she DOESN'T ACTUALLY WANT THEM. it was obligatory "you're not allowed to dislike sweets" programming from upmc/mother?
so we asked her but she said NO. incredibly liberating.
still feeling obligated to buy cereal because "it has vitamins" and "you need more carbs" but it feels forced. so we're learning. at least we're aware of the fact that it feels so uncomfortable. now we just have to learn to say no to that, even if we're "scared to."

got home at 2, oliver was in the shower. I have this uneasy feeling that someone hid food in our room then? or something. not sure. but they have GOT TO STOP this hiding thing. we are no longer living with that birth family. it is NOT a crime to eat. you do NOT have to smuggle food into the house, then hide in a closet and eat it at 2am so no one shames you for "being a pig."
regardless, we tried super super hard with the eating thing. a few binge attempts, but most of it was avoided. THANK GOD.
no regrets today, for the most part. sole regret is "I wish I didn't feel so bad about eating" AND "I feel horrible about slighting/ avoiding/ disrespecting oliver because we were so panicstricken about food and it was taking lots of our attention."

lying with oliver on the couch with the fractals.
kyo, kris, and toy soldier, hello absolute existentially validating heaven on earth good lord

oliver mentioning some time that he said to infi "I'm in love with you" and infi just… responded with "you've never said it that way before, ollie!!" and I know exactly what hir expression would have been like. god.
ollie said I should draw it and I agree.

sat down and had a small dinner. couldn't keep all of it down, but it wasn't abusive. just panic. still, we tried very very hard and it was not bad. little steps.

feeling "old loves;" scrolling through tumblr and seeing davy jones and ryo bakura and everyone. feeling GENUINE love spring up from NOT ME. like… the "core" (need a better term?) who loved them initially STILL DOES and that's an INCREDIBLE fact because it means that those precious indispensable people are not dead.
the younger jewel, who is slightly japan-obsessed but not manic, still loves ryo. marik too, of course.
the "green jewel," who was at the job??? loves davy AND jetfire???? that's interesting!!
not sure if she also loves grievous and barry. those guys feel like they're in other time-contexts though.

but it's such a beautiful warm soft powerful feeling. love does not die, ever ever.

"oh lord and you and kris today"
apparently their main people are all falling in love with us.
that… rips at our heart in the best way.
dear lord. we have to live up to that.

the problem?
our socials firmly believe, even now, that they have to be impeccably perfect and faultless to be WORTHY of even accepting such love. in their poor hurt minds, as "filthy" as they allegedly are-- they are not; NONE of us are-- letting "such pure souls" love them would taint them.
and what is the "filthiest" thing they can do?
eat.
isn't that awful.

so. those poor socials keep struggling so damn hard with letting us actually feed this body.
I have to be unflinchingly blunt about that, no matter how ashamed and guilty and embarrassed and disgusted and distraught we are to admit it.
our body is really freaking hungry. that is fact #1. it is an "ugly, blasphemous" fact but it is still a fact.
we KNOW we have a fast metabolism. this was medically proven in pittsburgh. they had us eating ~4000 calories per day, minimum, and we were STILL just barely gaining weight at that level. as soon as we cut back on the caloric intake due to personal budget and food/ transportation availability, we started dropping the pounds.
that is what is terrifying. literally, in order to stay healthy, we have to eat like gluttons. it's horrible. but it's true. we know this.
the meal plan they gave us to follow when we left… honestly, let me tell it to you, because it terrifies us and excites us both-- each motivated by the same feeling: we are awfully hungry.
now, they go by an "exchange system." this means that every "serving size" of a food group is 1 exchange. one piece of fruit, one cup of vegetables, 8oz of dairy, 3oz of meat, 1 tbsp of fat… things like that. of course it varies per food. we practically had to memorize the whole list over those 9 weeks.
they want us eating every 3 hours, something we Cannot do for psychological, time, and financial reasons. and the sheer AMOUNT of food they ultimately want us to eat is also very difficult.
they want us having 13 exchanges per meal, and then 5 at snacks. that's a LOT OF FOOD. we cannot do that feasibly without triggering dissociation or pain or trauma flashbacks. it's too much. it was tough even for iscah, and she knows it, even if she won't outright admit it.
no spoons to continue this topic right now. we'll just do our best, as we need to, and to heck with the meal card. it's a guideline. it's a good guideline, but it's also not an obligatory damned-if-you-don't thing. life's not like that anymore. we won't be punished if we don't adhere to it unerringly. we have to trust our own selves in this. i know we can do it. if there's anywhere we CAN do it, it's here, with people who love and support us.

to go back to that topic.
…oliver is in love with us. we know this. but now he's… he's not the only one.
god. dearly beloved god. I just… that is so huge. I cannot put into words what that makes our heart feel like.

the feeling is mutual. the feeling is overwhelmingly, blessedly mutual.

that kiss in the kitchen today, after oliver hinted at that. that global love.
leon, lynne, javier, nathaniel, julie, waldorf, me, infi. so many of us flowing through in that kiss.

reviewing 2015, talking about toy soldier and phantom of the opera when oliver was at work.
monumental. 


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11:57 pm

"shoutout to everyone making progress that no one recognized because you never let anyone see your darkest moments. i see you and i am so, so proud of every little step you’re making in the right direction."

#oh #system healing #i never thought about it like this #hope #for all our damaged fronters #we love all of you even when you're hurting the most #maybe even especially then