I don't care enough to separate this into paragraphs

[iaaboura]

 Right now is a great time to have a crazy epiphany that leaves me zoning out fifty times a day, but I really can't think of much. Sometimes, the voice in my head that repeatedly tells me that it's all my fault and that I'm a murderer is so loud, that I can't think of anything else. I forget how much time I have to think during the Summer. How much time I spend alone. It's hard to not want to grab the metal blade that is hidden inside the book in my nightstand. The only thing that really stops me is the fact that it's Summer, and someone would surely see the cuts I make. I keep thinking about how much I want my mom. She knows most of what's been happening with ___ now. I'm so much closer and comfortable around her. But for every action, there's and equal and opposite reaction. ___ thinks that I'm a liar. I could, would, and should get into it, but I don't have the energy. I don't even want to think about them. Some things are unattainable though, right, ___? I've been dissociating a lot just because of how easy it is. If I can only think everything or nothing, I'd pick nothing a million times over. There's not much else to do when I lay in bed all day. I haven't been at my mom's yet for summer break, and it's going to be harder to not eat there. If I do it once though, I can prove that I'm able to do it every time. Just don't eat. You won't be able to taste it one minute after it's gone. What's the point? My sleep schedule has been so shit lately, especially these past two days. Last night I went to bed at midnight, woke up at seven, stayed up until noon, then slept for six hours straight. Now I'm suffering the consequences by having to be awake at two in the morning. It's not great because I have to wake up at seven to work out with my brother. I'm a lot like him because we both have a bad habit of restricting, binging, and purging on occasion. We both know think, or at least I think he knows this, too. We're both silent about it. I've never really talked to someone besides ___ about restricting. I don't really want to. I want to, but only if I had the power to erase the person I'm speaking to's mind immediately after confessing my food issues. I saw a tiktok that said they need their eating disorder to be more disorder than eating instead of the other way around. That's kind of relatable, but I've been doing good recently. I'm trying to be better, really. I tell ___ this, even if they don't believe me. I want to be better in every way possible. I want to be the best. I want to lose weight, make peace with ___, and finally starve to death. It needs to be pretty.