![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iaaboura I don't like not posting for as long as I did. My life is based off consistency and control, both of which are a struggle for me right now. I have nothing going for me, basically.
I thought that I'd have more control in my life now that it's over, but I found that there isn't much I can control. Food is the one thing I can think of. A year ago, I was great at not eating. I know that I was in a honeymoon phase with ed, but I really want to go back. I'm going to be in France and Spain for ten days, leaving on the twenty-sixth. It's a school trip and my girlfriend is also going, so I'm not sure how I'll not eat the three planned meals everyday without suspicion. Maybe I'll get back on track when I come back from the trip. If I can't, I'll find something (anything) else to control.
I've always been consistent, but not in the way that I want to be. My life is only consistent because of the cycle my life has become. It's the same as it was last year, just sans ___. I lay in bed all day unless one of my parents have something planned. I want consistency in starving, being pretty, working out, studying and staying on track with online classes. It's so easy, but for some reason I just can't do it. I can't do anything. A couple weeks ago(?) (Time is weird) ___ told me that they knew what I should do. Upon me asking what that was, they said that I should stop trying to he anything, because it'd make being nothing easier. I can't help but agree. I am nothing, aren't I?
I feel lonely. I can only imagine how they feel. I'm laying in bed complaining about my life when ___ probably has it way worse. Everybody on the internet says so. "It's hard for the favorite person, but imagine how WE feel." I am. Imagining. So much. I've been conditioned to not be angry at all, and they weren't even here to do that. I did it to myself. I know that this is all my fault. I could've stayed. Could have handled the words. I could have stuck it out for them. I should have killed myself with him. I should have. I should.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry imsorryimsorry
I'm getting nightmares about it.
I thought that I'd have more control in my life now that it's over, but I found that there isn't much I can control. Food is the one thing I can think of. A year ago, I was great at not eating. I know that I was in a honeymoon phase with ed, but I really want to go back. I'm going to be in France and Spain for ten days, leaving on the twenty-sixth. It's a school trip and my girlfriend is also going, so I'm not sure how I'll not eat the three planned meals everyday without suspicion. Maybe I'll get back on track when I come back from the trip. If I can't, I'll find something (anything) else to control.
I've always been consistent, but not in the way that I want to be. My life is only consistent because of the cycle my life has become. It's the same as it was last year, just sans ___. I lay in bed all day unless one of my parents have something planned. I want consistency in starving, being pretty, working out, studying and staying on track with online classes. It's so easy, but for some reason I just can't do it. I can't do anything. A couple weeks ago(?) (Time is weird) ___ told me that they knew what I should do. Upon me asking what that was, they said that I should stop trying to he anything, because it'd make being nothing easier. I can't help but agree. I am nothing, aren't I?
I feel lonely. I can only imagine how they feel. I'm laying in bed complaining about my life when ___ probably has it way worse. Everybody on the internet says so. "It's hard for the favorite person, but imagine how WE feel." I am. Imagining. So much. I've been conditioned to not be angry at all, and they weren't even here to do that. I did it to myself. I know that this is all my fault. I could've stayed. Could have handled the words. I could have stuck it out for them. I should have killed myself with him. I should have. I should.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry imsorryimsorry
I'm getting nightmares about it.
